Role-less

What happens when the roles you have been representing your whole life, more or less successfully, come to an abrupt end? I am not talking about losing a job or changing cities, partners or countries. Nor doing a pointless job without future or no hint of satisfaction or accomplishment (unfortunately my current situation) but to see that the very core of your personality is challenged by a sudden situation where you cannot be “you” anymore. A place where almost all your abilities, traits, charm and wisdom (if there’s any) are swiftly and mercilessly removed and you are left clueless and helpless knowing nothing about what is going on anymore.

They say you have to “roll with the punches”, “adapt and thrive”, “get up, dust off and carry on” and so on and so forth. This might happen when at least a bit of what defines you as a human being is left alone and you can hold to it to push yourself upwards. But what happens when you find yourself deprived of all your super-powers and at the mercy of any situation that arises? When you are not able to do what you do anymore and when you try, your good intentions are just discarded or scrutinized to the point of just ignoring them? What to do with the supposed courtesy and love in return of anything you say or do?

Someone I know says you have to dissolve your personality. Is this it? Do you simply have to comply with anything and anybody that appears in your life? I used to believe the personality dissolving stuff happened when you chose so, but it seems that nothing you say, do or think have any effect on this strange reality. And last but not least, if this is the ultimate goal, if the “say yes more” mantra is the real deal and the way to go, why do I feel so awfully uncomfortable? Why this headache? Why do I see my cat and think that just some days ago, he was loved and appreciated by her and now, after someone’s words, he has become a nuisance and a possible health hazard? Why do I have to be very careful of what I say because of the fear of offending or disturbing someone? Why my words are now so unnecessary?

What is going on? Why do I feel so out of place and ignored? So fucking useless?