Kind of weird to post this, but I´m considering to do it once more. Something says that this time is gonna be ok, but it still is a strange sensation. Perhaps I found the right partner. In 23 days I´ll find out. In the meantime, I´m really excited, and for the first time in ages, happy…

This can sound quite funny, to say the least, but 4 weeks have passed since the accident, and I´m still struggling to start many “queued” things on my head. Now I´m not annoyed anymore: I´m officially worried. I’ve been listening to some specialized “entrainment” sessions to try and reduce my depression, and, despite some minor improvements, I feel more or less the same: without energy and motivation to move on. It´s kind of scary not to know where are you headed, and to continue doing the same things like a robot, because there is nothing better out there.

I need to break free, to regain control, to tackle on things. Fortunately, I´ve discovered that all the answers are not outside myself. I might need help, but happiness is not represented by spending or “having”. Buddhism has helped a lot, not enough thanks to my lack of commitment (sounds strange, since the Dharma teachings are against this kind of approach) but I´m starting to think different. Perhaps it´s a slow process and I´m, as usual, trying to rush over it.

Time will tell, but, in the meanwhile, what should I do?

Some days ago I fell from a Mountain Board and broke my left knee. It was painful, but now I finally have some time off (if I decide to shut down my Office VPN connection, of course).

By the way, today I decided to shave my head. It was something I wanted to do a long time ago, and the chance just appeared. No prying eyes, no roles to play, perfect! It’s like a refreshing feeling of freedom. I like this, despite the pain and all the fuss around my leg…

From now on, I shall relax and enjoy for a while…

Yet another week. More complaining, more tiredness, more and more of the same things. Sometimes, life is like an old movie, moving slowly and without sound to nowhere. I’ve recently discovered that many of my life certainties are not there anymore. I try to start over, to correct my past mistakes, but I simply can’t find the required energy to do so. Perhaps it’s time to seek some help. The bad part is that when I did this in the past, I ended feeling worse, and all my problems remained more or less the same. No, I’m wrong: this helped me to find more problems that were hidden in my head long time ago. So now I have more things to worry about.

Perhaps it’s time to make a radical turn in my life. Perhaps it’s time to start living my life in the way I believe I should, and not like other people say I must. But it’s difficult to fight with old memories, fear, past orders and values. It would be great if we can just “format” our heads and have a fresh start, with new knowledge, new ideas, new motivation, less prejudices. But, at this time, this is only possible in our dreams or some movies…

What does it feel like to know that almost everything you believe in, or the things you like, are a fake? Every day, I realize that the world that I used to believe I live in, it´s not there anymore. Friends are non-existent, people that you think is there, isn´t. The feeling of belonging to anything vanishes slowly, leaving a big void of loneliness and sadness. No lasting relationships with friends or loved ones. Everybody is looking for something (else), like in the Eurythmics song.

Perhaps it´s my fault. I don´t do enough to try and fit in. People seems stupid and boring. Goals and dreams are part of the past in the same moment they´re born. What´s going on with my life? Do I have a life at all?

Saddest thing is that these words won´t be read by anybody. And if so, nobody will really care… Life just goes on.