Suddenly, I feel an urge to write down my thoughts, the things that happen in my life and the ideas that have been lurking into my mind for ages. It´s really nice to be into something, without pressure. To do it just for fun, as a way to put out many crazy ideas that cross my brain. Refreshing feeling. My plans are to continue, but who knows? The daemons can come back at any moment, sucking all my energy yet again…

It´s really complicated to look into her eyes and not feel sadness. I know that we have to do it, but it´s so damn difficult. Being with her all these years has been a crazy ride: sometimes very good, others really bad. But at the end of the day, the bond between us is pretty strong, made with laughs, tears, sex and patience. Letting her go is the right thing to do, but I cannot help thinking in those good moments, the peace between us, her happiness and love for me, our travels (many of them without moving) and those “bed and book” afternoons. I´ll surely miss her, but our lives have to go on, in separate ways at this time…

I deeply hate her. But she doesn´t know. She´s there, happily living her life without knowing it. I haven´t told her about those things on my head, but I´m certain that she knows. I´m starting to think that I scare her, and that´s the reason for not acknowledging what´s going on. The worst thing is that she´s living with another person, and therefore, there´s no chance for anything. I don´t like not to have things under control, but this has a lot to do with my legendary shyness and stupidity. It´s a fact: I scare people. And I´m getting sick of it…

But, f*ck. I still like her a lot and keep believing that something is possible after all… Silly dreams.

Finally it happened. I´m leaving. It sounds kind of weird, since when I knew it, after the first feelings of relief, I got scared. Now what? I asked myself. But, strangely, I have started to stop thinking about what´s next. I only want to stop. To breathe. To stop worrying about everything. I won´t miss the things I´m going to leave behind: no friends, no valuable relationships, no good moments. Nothing. Perhaps this is caused by me. I didn´t want to have any of them. I used to think that I was “better” somehow, and that I didn´t need to go down to their level. It was too basic, I used to say. Damn. Now I realized that perhaps I have missed a lot of good moments, but, it´s too late. The only thing remaining is the will to move on. Again. To try and fight my daemons. But I´m starting to realize that they will come with me, no matter where I am. I have to defeat them. Better yet, I should make friends with them… Interesting thoughts. Are they possible? Or am I slightly mad, like Freddy said?

Today I received some news about my ex-wife. She´s pregnant. It´s kind of strange, since I haven´t talked with her for many months, and the last time this occurred, she told me that she didn’t want to speak with me anymore. We used to be friends after breaking up, but then things went wrong. My feelings are a mixture at this time. I hope she´s ok, and her partner (if there’s one) is a good person. She deserves it. I can´t help wondering what could have happened if we were still together…