Contradictions

It’s been a while (again) since the last time I wrote something here. Times are turbulent as of today. A first step trying to change the world has taken place in the last two years, with consequences still to be seen. Many changes in the personal realm as well. Opting for the less resistance path and leaving behind certain “privileges” I took for granted until now. Going to the back seat for a while. It appears it’s hard for me to get and accept help or so it seems. I’m just trying to go with the flow but my proverbial resistance to change and will to do everything on my own makes the process difficult and frustrating. On one hand, I’m glad to just disappear, on the other, somehow I miss the old days when recognition and public acceptance were the norm. Of course, this is just the nature of human beings: wishing for something and then changing their minds on the spot. What needs to be done? It’s anybody’s guess…

Clueless

Here I am again. This time, with lots of “important” things sorted out: money, a loved one, health, a slightly more stable state of mind and yet, I still don´t know what is my true calling or where I should walk towards.

Lots of past decisions were built over an unstable foundation, based on fear and a sick need to be accepted or recognized. And, foolish me, I happily marched on putting together my life plan on top without even considering the assumptions I made were completely wrong.

Now I´m again at a crossroads. Is it coaching? Is it face-reading? Is it technology and consulting? It is simply doing nothing?

The main difference now is I´m starting to be really fed up with this so called search that has not yielded any tangible results after all these years, aside a bitter feeling of failure and some health issues. Perhaps I should stop seeking and just focus on the things I like to do without thinking too much. The main flaw this approach has is that my life feels like an empty vessel, every day exactly the same as the day before and of course, time is running out and I´m not getting any younger.

I´ve been recalling what made me happy in the past. Books and video games have been always my friends. They relieve tension and transport me to far away places for a while, helping me to regain the lost balance this life I´m living is producing. Perhaps I just need to let go and do whatever pleases me, without expectations or definite plans. Time again, will tell if this leads me somewhere or not…

What’s the point?

Thinking about the myriad of things I do in my life, this simple question popped out: What´s the point?

What´s the point of living? Of searching for the truth? Of trying to be happy? Of trying not to be sad? Of working? Of having hobbies? Of not having them? Of having sex? Of being celibate? Of traveling? Of being rich? Of being poor? Of being frustrated? Of being ecstatic? Of dying? Of learning? Or opting to do nothing? Of endless searching for meaning? Of not searching for nothing at all? Of trying to explain your feelings to another human being? Of being social? Of being an hermit? Of fitting in? Of helping people? Of being helped? Of studying and learning? Of being ignorant? Of belonging to a movement? Of not belonging? Of believing? Of not believing? Of being? Or not?

Pointless…

Fears, daemons and survival

Yet again some disturbing news about planetary changes, chaos and catastrophe. I´m kind of fed up of this. Supposedly this is a good sign for a change of pace, direction and consciousness. But once more, nothing happens, just more of the same, life goes on with its injustice, crime, non-tolerance and fear, despite the general will to live better lives. Is it just me or we are headed for worse things day after day? Time, as usual, will tell…

Fearful Blues

It happens from time to time. Everything seems to be going smoothly and then, a dark and long shadow appears out of nowhere (well, it comes from the same place almost all the times), to haunt me yet again. I used to think that as long as I did well and the years just passed, accumulating experience, the shadow was less likely to return. I was wrong again. Perhaps the only thing left to do is to just accept its existence and deal with it. Mostly, my mind is the one that makes the shadow alive, so the issue is less with the shadow and more with my mind. Oh my mind, my dear monkey mind. The bright side is to recognize I´m now aware of this happening and my fears are not so powerful as before. What will happen? I don´t really know and despite all my anxiety related to the shadow, I´m starting to care less and less, slowly but steady.

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