Little Death

What a ride. The last few months had proven eventful and gruesome. Everything came at the same time. Feelings rushed in and clouded it all. I found myself being capable of feats I thought impossible in the past. Enduring suffering, sadness, vanishing energy and finding happiness, the will to move forward and supporting and caring for her in a way I did not know before. I don’t know if this can be called unconditional or true love, or simply fear of change. Perhaps I will never find out.

Shocking news arriving at the least expected moment. Seeing her enduring extreme suffering, trying to desperately help and understand. Then making decisions I never thought of making or even considering. Relief, worry, expectations, tiredness, feeling worn out and depleted, waiting without knowing until when or how. Not being able to slow down or rest and recover (at least for now). Thinking about the past, the present and the future, all at the same time. Being taken care of by many after taking care of many.

Life is definitely a strange matter. Unpredictable and twisted. Finding the house alone, without the possibility of communicating or following our usual and familiar ways, feels strange and alien. Talking about her like she was here no more for good (which is not the case) feels sad and a big emptiness fills my heart and soul. What will happen next is anybody’s guess. The future, as usual, is a mystery that can be full of hope and anticipation or fear and dread.

A little death has occurred and I still cannot fully grasp what this means. Life goes on, for better or worse. Everything is timely is my personal mantra nowadays. But sometimes doubts appear here and there about the perfection of the happenings of the world. I suppose this is the price we pay for being human…