Lacking air

It´s been a long while since my last post. Paradoxically, I´ve been writing a lot for my job and other projects, but not here. Today is the day. Lately, a weird feeling is living with me almost permanently. The main effect is a generalized lack of air when I try to breathe. My chest aches and my head spins like crazy. When it happens, I try to study my surroundings, to determine what´s going on or what can be causing this, but the only conclusion that I´ve reached so far is that in the most cases, is triggered by anxiety or the though about having to do something I don´t really want to.

Somehow, I still feel that I´m falling behind. Old ideas that seemed fabulous when created, now look ridiculously old and stupid. The idea of being walking to nowhere is lurking behind me again. What´s the reason for everything? What I´m missing? What´s the point of living?

No answers yet, despite fighting with all means available to shed some light over the subject. Sad things happened. My master abandoned me, and I feel a little bit betrayed. New sensation, since I don´t trust almost nobody. Now I remember why…

“¿Shall we continue?” I ask myself every single day. Right now I have a loved one beside me, and doing something radical could pose as a major betrayal. “Don´t do others things you don´t like to be done to yourself”, but what about me? My questions? My uneasiness? My despair?

Nobody seems to notice. You have to pretend everything is alright most of the time to support others. But energy eventually runs out. Worse yet, right now I cannot be sick, sad or tired. My “miracle” teachings have robbed that possibility. I need to be perfect all the time, since I´m selling these ideas to others, to try and change my life direction. Happiness and pain at the same time, more pain than anything else, after all…

I look around and I see many objects: mementos of past times and feelings. But, no relief comes from them. They´re there, silent and without motion, no transfer of ideas.

Precious moments of loneliness. They don´t last but appear from time to time. I deeply enjoy them. No commitments, no people, no noise.

What will be next? I don´t know and I´m starting to think that I don´t care, after all.